White Flag
by parttimeficwriter
Summary: Set mid 5.5 an alternative version of events. Harry and Ruth.
1. Chapter 1

**This is set in the middle of Season 5, episode 5 and starts half way through the episode when Harry and Oliver Mace meet at Mace's club. Some of the dialogue used has been taken from the episode so you'll probably recognise the bits that aren't my work!**

**I don't own Spooks or any of the characters; I'm merely playing with them. **

**Thanks to EP for the beta.**

**Oh, and I should mention that it's rather angsty...

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_**You and me  
We used to be together  
Everyday together always  
I really feel  
That I'm losing my best friend  
I can't believe  
This could be the end  
It looks as though you're letting go  
And if it's real  
Well I don't want to know**_

_**Don't speak  
I know just what you're saying  
So please stop explaining  
Don't tell me cause it hurts  
Don't speak  
I know what you're thinking  
I don't need your reasons  
Don't tell me cause it hurts – Don't Speak by No Doubt**_

_**---**_

"So what is my choice?" Harry asked, "Join in this new nightmare or watch Ruth being thrown to the lions?"

"Think of it as an invitation. An opportunity. Save Ruth and join a club."

"What if I play neither strategy? What if I tell you that I have something, a document, which, if published, would not only bring you down but would shake the whole service and the Government to its rotten core?"

Mace merely smirked but Harry saw the glint of fear that was momentarily noticeable in the other man's eyes.

"You don't think I'll do it? You think I care too much about the service, about the country to do this, but you're wrong Oliver." Harry smiled, but there was no warmth behind it, as he spoke quietly. "You're right to be worried Oliver because all your sordid little secrets are in there and I won't hesitate to let the world know about your predilection for young men or the scores of operations that you botched if anything should happen to Ruth."

Mace glowered at him and Harry was aware that he had him on the ropes. He looked at his watch. "You have 45 minutes to drop all charges against Ruth and clear her name. She'll be fully reinstated and my officers will be left alone in future."

"And if I don't?"

"Then it'll be on the internet in 46 minutes. If anything happens to me it's leaked. If anything happens to Ruth – it's leaked," Harry leant forward and lowered his voice to barely a whisper, "the clock is ticking Oliver."

The two men stared at each other for a long moment until Oliver Mace slowly raised his hand and summoned the waiter. "Bring me a phone."

Harry sat back in his seat and enjoyed his victory. Less than five minutes later, Mace ended his phone call and gave him a small nod of confirmation.

"Wasn't so hard, was it?" he asked as he stood to leave.

Oliver ignored the comment. "You can't keep her safe forever Harry. She's your Achilles heel and everyone knows it."

---

She'd half expected the alarms to go off as she walked through the doors of Thames House. In actual fact, no one paid her the slightest bit of attention which came as a relief. She might have decided that Harry was worth dealing with a bit of gossip for but that didn't mean that she was actively going to welcome the whispers and knowing looks. As she reached the pods, she realised she was smiling; this was where she belonged and it felt unbelievably good to be back. There was a brief thought in her head that she probably shouldn't be so glad to return to an institute that almost cost her her freedom, but she couldn't help it. This was where her world made sense. This was where Harry was.

A quiet, unassuming, entrance onto the Grid was definitely out of the question. It seemed her arrival had been anticipated and, despite the fact that it was gone half past six, most of the team were there to greet her. She allowed herself a few moments to enjoy it, basking in the joy of knowing how hard they had all worked to clear her name. It didn't matter to her that they had failed where Harry had succeeded, what she treasured was that they had tried at all.

"Welcome back, Ruth," Adam said, a genuine smile crossing his drawn features, as he engulfed her in a brief hug.

"Thanks." Her reply was muffled against his arm but he heard it all the same.

"I think you have someone else to thank for being here," he whispered, pointedly, and felt her small nod of acknowledgement. He kept one arm around her and turned to address her assembled welcoming committee, "Celebratory drinks at The George. I'm buying so you'd all better hurry."

She gave a brief laugh at the near stampede and, when she lifted her head and dared to look for Harry, he was watching her from his office. She must have tensed because the next thing she knew Adam was murmuring to her that she'd be fine and pushing her gently towards Harry's office.

---

He should have been euphoric as he watched her step back onto the Grid, he should have been able to smile with relief and welcome her back with open arms but theirs was a complex relationship and, now, more than ever before, he realised just how vulnerable that relationship made her. He remained in his office, watching from afar, as he contemplated what he was about to do. He prayed that she wouldn't look for him; that, somehow, he would be spared, but it was too late. Adam released her from their hug and, as she lifted her head and looked through the glass wall of his office, he was unable to tear his eyes away from hers. Adam must have said something to her because, the next thing he knew, she was moving, walking slowly towards his office and he couldn't do anything but sit and wait.

---

"Hi," she whispered as the door to his office slid open and she saw him waiting for her.

"Hi." He sounded just as unsure, just as nervous, and it made her feel better. "Come in." It wasn't a suggestion and yet it wasn't an order.

She complied and shuffled in, unsure of where to put herself. Should she stand? Sit on the couch? Perch on his desk? She wasn't sure what the appropriate seating arrangement was for this kind of thing. Although, on reflection, she decided that perching on his desk would definitely fall into the inappropriate category. For now, at least.

He came to her rescue by pointing towards the sofa and telling her to sit down. He hadn't moved from behind his desk and she couldn't decide if she was pleased about that, or not.

Her hands twisted themselves together as she sat and wondered how best to break the silence that seemed to engulf them both. "I should have trusted you," she ventured, smiling at the familiar tilt of his head that indicated she should explain herself. "You said you'd sort it all out. I didn't believe that you could but I should have known better."

He gave her a small smile. "I'm a man of my word."

"I know that. Thank you, Harry. For doing whatever you did to make it all disappear. I'm not naive enough to think that there won't be repercussions for you. I can't tell you how much it means to me, that we're sat here together again."

"Ruth..." he interrupted but she ignored him. Now that she had started speaking, she didn't want to stop. She didn't want to give herself chance to back out.

"I was so worried I was never going to see you again. Can you imagine? Accused of murder and still the first thought in my head was you. I didn't want to face a day without you, Harry and I still feel like that," she paused and took a few deep gulps of air, suddenly aware that she hadn't taken breath properly since she started speaking. She risked a look at him and couldn't decipher the look on his face. He looked euphoric and heartbroken all at once. "I, er, I don't mean just as boss and member of staff," she clarified, unnecessarily.

"I know what you meant, Ruth," he soothed and she instantly felt safe. He knew, he always knew, what her ramblings meant, and it comforted her no end. "We can't, though."

She hadn't expected that. It was written all over her face and it killed him to know that he'd hurt her. He waited for her to say something and, when she didn't, and it was clear she was trying to choke back her tears, he tried to explain. "They'll use you, how I feel about you, against me and I won't always be able to protect you, Ruth. Someday, someone, will hurt you because of me and I can't bear the thought of that."

"That's very noble of you." She'd found her voice and she was suddenly angry. Angry with him, angry with everyone for interfering but, most of all, angry with herself for letting her guard down.

"Ruth, don't be like this, please," he pleaded, quietly, hating that he had to do this and that he was hurting her, hurting them both.

"Am I supposed to be happy?"

"No," he admitted, quietly.

"Good, because I'm not," she said sharply. Her anger had surprised him, he'd expected her to clam up and make an excuse to leave hastily, not to stand and fight with him about his decision, and the fact that she hadn't done as he had expected her to made him lash out and fight back.

"You were the one that stopped it the first time around, for pretty much the same reason if I recall correctly." He was angry now. He welcomed it as it washed over him, masking his hurt and self-loathing.

"And this is me telling you that I was wrong and stupid and scared. For Christ's sake Harry, _you_ were the one trying to change _my_ mind."

"That was before you got framed for murder!" he shouted, standing up as she did the same. "Do you want to go to prison? Or get kidnapped? Perhaps tortured, or raped, or even murdered just because you happen to be dating the boss?"

"There's nothing to say that any of that will happen, Harry. Plenty of people are couples in this job and they manage to survive. What is it you're really afraid of?"

"Of losing you!" he roared, shocking them both into momentary silence. When he carried on it was in a much quieter voice, "I can't let something happen to you, Ruth. Don't ask me to do that. I lo-"

"Don't Harry," she warned, "don't you dare say that to me if you're not prepared to do anything about it."

His silence said more to her than she wanted to hear and she couldn't fight the tears any longer.

"It doesn't have to be like this," she choked out, between her sobs.

"Yes, it does," he whispered, voice breaking with emotion, as he watched her flee his office.

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**More soon. Please leave a review and let me know what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Self beta'd so please forgive any mistakes. :) **

**For the poorly pea.**

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**

Ooh ooh  
I've hurt you I can see  
Ooh ooh  
Do you think it's not hurting me

Ooh ooh  
The grass ain't always green  
And if it's hurting you  
You know that's its hurting me  
You know that's its hurting me

You'll meet other men  
Who will break your heart  
If I see you with them  
It's gonna tear me apart

Maybe in another life  
We wouldn't be alone  
Tonight

'If it's hurting you' – Robbie Williams.

---

"I-I have some things for you to sign," she informed him as she entered his office. She looked exhausted and extremely tense at being alone with him in his office. It was the first time in three weeks that she had stepped foot into there by herself. Lately, she had developed a knack for talking to him only when others were present.

"Thank you." He held his hand out for her to pass the files to him directly and couldn't help the stab of hurt as she placed them on the edge of his desk instead. She turned and walked away quickly, obviously in a hurry to get away from him.

"I'm worried about you." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them and he instantly regretted saying anything.

She stopped abruptly and turned to face him. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine." He couldn't help it but, now that he had broken their silence on the matter, the words just tumbled out. He needed to know that she was going to be alright. For his own sake as well as hers.

"What do you want me to say, Harry?" she asked, tiredly. He didn't have an answer to that. He knew he wasn't being fair to her, knew that he had no right to be saying he was worried about her, not now. "Please don't pretend you care. This is hard enough as it is."

"I _do_ care about you. Too much," he responded, desperate to make her understand that she wasn't the only hurting from this. "That's the problem."

Her composure cracked but there were no tears this time. Just anger, and pain, and frustration. "No, the problem is _you_," she snapped, "Your 'logic' is flawed Harry. All this has just made even more people realise that there's something between us, so I'm just as vulnerable now as I ever have been. Together or not the feelings are still there to be manipulated."

"That's why you need to move on, Ruth," he said, quietly.

"Oh right, good. Thank you for that insight."

"Ruth..."

"That's what you're doing is it?" she demanded, despite fearing his reply.

"Yes, I am," he said, coldly, as he lied to her face.

It was like someone had stolen all the air from the room. She couldn't breathe and yet she knew she was drawing breath, still living, still feeling the pain that was coursing through her veins. She didn't understand until now that what she had been feeling so far was nothing compared to hearing that he was giving up completely and expected her to do the same. She had hoped, perhaps somewhat naively, that, in time, he would change his mind and realise he'd made a mistake, but now that hope was shattered, along with what was left of her already damaged heart. She looked at him as he sat behind his desk and, despite his best efforts to hide it, she saw the flash of something, possibly regret, in his eyes.

"You're a liar," she whispered, her voice shaking with emotion, "and a coward."

For the second time in three weeks she fled his office and he was left alone, her parting words echoing in his head.

---

For the first time since joining MI5 Ruth filled out the annual leave application form in front of her and sent it to personnel for approval. She knew Harry would ultimately have to sign off on any leave but she preferred not to take it to him directly. The last thing she needed right now was another confrontation with him. For two days she had come to work and tried to carry on regardless but it was futile. Every time she saw him her heart ached and she wanted to cry. She needed space and time away from him and everything to do with him. She only hoped three weeks would be long enough.

The approved form was returned to her by the following afternoon, she checked to see if he had signed it and was greeted with the familiar swirls of his signature at the bottom of the sheet of paper. She filed the form away in her desk drawer and resolved to finish as much of her work as she was able to do before it was time to go home.

---

Harry pretended not to watch her as she turned off her desk lamp and wrapped her coat tightly around her small frame. His feigned interest in the report in front of him intensified as she glanced, cautiously, towards where he sat. He gripped the pen in his hand tighter, his knuckles whitening, and used every ounce of self control he possessed to make sure that he didn't lift his head and meet her gaze. He didn't move again until the sound of her retreating footsteps echoed across the now deserted Grid, and just managed to catch a last glimpse of her retreating form as she walked through the pods. Alone, he threw his pen down in disgust and let out a heavy sigh. This was so much harder than he had imagined it would be. He had thought, somewhat naively, that keeping his distance from her would be relatively easy, and in the physical sense of the word it was. What he hadn't known then, but had come to realise in the weeks that had passed painfully by, was that maintaining emotional distance from the person you loved was an incredibly difficult and draining thing to do. Especially when that person was hurting. And she was. No matter how bravely she tried to hide it, the signs were there for him, and everyone else, to see; the dark smudges under her eyes left him in no doubt that she wasn't sleeping well, if at all, but far worse than that had been watching her retreat into herself.

Selfishly, he had been slightly relieved when her leave application had come across his desk. The haunted look in her eyes was becoming increasingly difficult to bear and he was glad that, for a few weeks at least, every time he looked out from his office he wouldn't be reminded of just how much he had hurt her.

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**Feedback is appreciated. **


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm posting this up whilst I have a spare few minutes but it hasn't been beta'd so I apologise now for any mistakes. Hopefully, they won't put you of reading and reviewing!**

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_**Your heart is not open so I must go  
The spell has been broken, I loved you so  
Freedom comes when you learn to let go  
Creation comes when you learn to say no**_

**You were my lesson I had to learn  
I was your fortress you had to burn  
Pain is a warning that something's wrong  
I pray to God that it won't be long  
Do ya wanna go higher?**

**There's nothing left to try  
There's no place left to hide  
There's no greater power  
Than the power of good-bye.**

_**The Power of Goodbye – Madonna **_

---

Ruth had spent the first week and a half at home wallowing in self pity and talking to the cats. She wasn't crazy enough to think they understood what she was saying but she did feel that they had been slightly more affectionate than usual. Perhaps the sight and sound of her tears as she agonised over everything again and again had translated to them somehow. Whatever it was, she was glad for their company. At least she wasn't completely alone.

The middle of the second week, however, saw a complete change in attitude. She was done crying. She was finished shouting and raging to someone that wasn't even present. She needed to move on; she knew that. Rationally, she knew it was the only way she was ever going to regain any of her former sanity. She didn't want to be a pathetic mass sat at home in her pyjamas and wallowing in self pity any longer. It was the breakthrough she needed and for the first time in almost a month there seemed to be hope on the horizon. She could, and would, crawl out of this pit of self despair; her only stumbling block now was how to go about it.

---

Three hours later she had found herself in the self-help section of Borders. Normally, she wouldn't have been seen dead perusing books by life coaches and self–help gurus but desperate times called for desperate measures and, as such, she succumbed to the temptation to let her life be shaped by people who knew nothing about her. She gathered a selection of books, hoping to cover all angles, and headed for the check out. On her way she noticed a stand of self help books on special offer and swept one off the pile and into her already laden arms as she passed. She was far too busy trying to read the blurb on the back of the book as she walked through the shop to realise that she was headed for a collision. Until it was too late.

"Ooof," she exclaimed, startled, as the books fell to the floor. "Sorry!"

"Oh, erm, no it was my fault," said the man that she had crashed into as he watched her stoop to gather her fallen books. "Here, let me help."

"Oh, no, it's alright," she replied realising too late that he had bent down to help her anyway, "Thanks."

"'Reclaim your heart – how to get over the one you love'," she heard him mutter and flushed instantly as she looked across at him in alarm. He was leafing through the books as he stood and she was powerless to do anything but follow him.

"They're just, um, some, um..." she floundered, desperately trying to think of something that might make her seem less like the pathetic mess he was sure to be thinking she was. She wasn't even sure why she was defending herself, she didn't even know him and, from the way he was looking at one of the other books in horror, it was clear he wasn't even listening to her rambled half explanation. "What?" she demanded, suddenly annoyed with the whole thing.

"You have appalling taste in books," he said, simply, and stuffed all bar one on a shelf nearby. She stared at him incredulously and was about to demand them all back when he held out the single book in his hands and smiled at her. "This one is the one to buy. Trust me, the others are worthless."

"You've read it?"

"Sort of."

"Sort of?" she asked, getting increasingly confused and frustrated with the mysterious man in front of her. He did have a nice smile though and she wasn't sure why that annoyed her more than anything.

"I wrote it." The smile was back again and this time it was returned a little.

"You wrote it?"

"Is there an echo in here?"

"Do you usually go around accosting your potential readers?"

"Only the good looking, interesting ones," he told her as he held her gaze for a fraction of a second longer than was necessary. He was flirting with her. The realisation made her feel a little queasy, not because he was unattractive. Far from it. He was tall, with broad shoulders and a handsome, boyish, face. He couldn't have been older than 35 and every time he smiled at her, her pulse quickened. She was enjoying his slight flirtation and the realisation had made her stomach churn. "I'm here for a book signing tomorrow and just came to speak to the manager about something. I don't stalk my readers – I promise."

"Oh, er, well, that's good," she garbled, suddenly desperate to get as far away from this charming stranger as possible. "I should go."

"Why don't you stick around? We could have coffee and chat about the books?"

She was already shaking her head. She couldn't do this. Not yet. "No, I really can't stay," she told him and was surprised to see the genuine disappointment on his face. She had become so used to Harry locking his emotions away from her that it was a shock to see someone display his feelings so openly.

"Here, I'll sign your copy. It's the least I can do for being so obnoxious earlier." He was already scribbling away in the front of the book before she could protest. "Besides," he said as he handed it back to her, "I need all the sales I can get."

The laughter was unexpected but genuine and she marvelled at how good it made her feel to laugh at something. It felt like a lifetime since she had done such a simple thing and she felt relieved and guilty all at once. She took the book from him and offered him a small smile, "Good luck for tomorrow," she whispered and then made a beeline for the tills.

---

The events of the afternoon had replayed in Ruth's mind again and again as she sat contemplating in her darkened lounge. Her hands trembled as she held the book in hers hands and reread the scrawled note that he had left under the title.

_**101 dates from hell: If you think your love life is bad, think again.**_

_Hopefully date 102 will be a winner. Dinner? Drinks? Dancing? Devil worship? Whatever you're into, I'll do it. Call me. 07653882912._

_Alex x_

It was possibly the cheesiest way she had ever been asked out in her life, but there was something refreshing and endearing about it, and about him, that was making her want to pick up the phone and call him. She put the book down on the coffee table and pushed it away from her, only to pick it up again two minutes later and study the message once more. Her hand reached for the phone and, before she could analyse it any further, or change her mind, she dialled his number.

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**More soonish! x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Yet more angst...sorry about that!**

**Thanks to Em for the speedy beta.**

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**I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing  
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in  
Cos I got time while she got freedom  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even**

**Her best days will be some of my worst  
She finally met a man thats gonna put her 1st  
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even even no**

**Breakeven - The Script**

**---**

She felt sick with nerves as she approached the small coffee shop. She still couldn't quite believe that she was doing this and flitted between feeling proud of herself for even getting this far, and out and out guilt that she was even considering meeting another man when her heart still belonged to Harry. She hadn't slept a wink since their phone call, tossing and turning all night as she worried about the afternoon ahead. Twice, on her way to meet Alex, she had almost turned around and gone back home but, each time she wavered, she forced herself to replay the memory of Harry telling her to move on and it was enough to keep her moving. She didn't want to be alone anymore. She was so tired of it all; tired of loving someone from afar, tired of trying to protect herself from heartbreak and, most of all, tired of pretending that she wasn't lonely.

She took a deep, shuddering, breath and sternly reminded herself that it was just coffee. There were no expectations of her, no demands upon her, other than that she drink a hot beverage whilst making polite conversation. With that firmly in mind, she squared her shoulders and walked inside.

---

"Another latte?"

Ruth barely heard the question as she toyed with the spoon on the saucer in front of her. "Hmmm?"

"I'll take that as a no, then," Alex responded, as playfully as he could, but she did manage to register his disappointment.

"Oh God, I'm sorry Alex. It's not you, I'm just..." she trailed off, unwilling to declare to a stranger that she was in love with someone else when she'd not long since admitted it to herself. "I'm just terrible company at the moment."

"No, you're not," he protested, instantly, only to fall silent when she looked at him incredulously. "Well, ok, you're not on top form, I can see that."

"You're far too polite," she told him, with a small smile.

"No, I'm just trying to get you to stay for more coffee." He gave her a quick wink before carrying on. "I can also see, in the moments that you forget about whoever else is occupying your mind, that you're someone I'd like to get to know a bit better."

She looked embarrassed and stunned all at once and he thought the combination was utterly endearing.

"Look, Ruth, I'm not an idiot. You're obviously getting over someone, and it's hard, but that doesn't mean you can't meet new people."

"I know," she said, quietly, staring into her coffee cup, "but I don't want to...I mean...I'm not ready to..."

"I realise that. No pressure. Honest."

When she looked at him, she couldn't hide the smile that formed against her will. "Ok."

"Ok?" he repeated, slightly confused.

The smile got a little wider. "I'll have another latte, please."

---

The second coffee turned into a third, and then lunch, and, before she was aware of it, almost four hours had passed. Even more astonishing to her was that she was really enjoying herself. Their chat about things had helped to make her relax a little and, when she did, she found that Alex was an engaging companion. He was charming and funny and a definite flirt but he didn't make her feel pressured into anything other than the here and now. It was so refreshing to be with someone who was open about who he was and what he thought and she found that she liked it. She liked him; more than she'd ever expected to.

He had insisted on walking her to the bus stop and, as they waited in the cold, he'd asked to see her again. She had only hesitated briefly before accepting his invitation to dinner the following week. His smile and the chaste kiss he placed on her cheek had warmed her more than she'd liked to have admitted and she was fortunately saved from having to say anything in response by the bus arriving.

Her bus journeys had long since been used as time to think, a space in which to untangle her thoughts and, as she sank back into the seat, she thought about Alex and about everything she had learnt about him that afternoon. She realised that if she wanted this to go anywhere, or to have any chance of working at all, she needed to be honest with him from the start. It was a daunting prospect, she was aware of what it entailed, but she promised herself that if dinner went well she would submit an S24 when she returned to work.

---

She had already been back at work three days and, still; the filled out S24 was loitering in her top drawer, waiting to be submitted when she found the nerve. She'd known all along that it was going to be difficult but she hadn't factored in how seeing him again everyday would make her waver. She resented that her body betrayed her, her heart speeding up and beating rapidly in her chest whenever he so much as looked at her, when her mind was firmly telling her to pay him nothing more than a professional regard.

Her fingers skimmed the edge of the sheet of paper as it sat in her opened drawer and, before she could talk herself out of it, she pulled it out and placed it in a file. She'd wait until everyone had gone for the day and then she'd submit it.

---

"I, um, I have something I need you to sign," she said, trying valiantly to remain calm when he looked at her expectantly. "It-it's personal."

"You'd better come in then."

She pulled the door to behind her before turning and walking over to his desk. It couldn't have been more than five or six paces but it felt as if it took her forever to get there. She could feel his eyes on her the entire time and it only served to make her more anxious. She held out the thin manila folder to him and almost didn't let it go as his fingers gently tugged it from her grasp. She watched as he flicked the file open and, head bowed, stared at the single sheet of paper it contained. Each second that passed seemed to stretch on endlessly as a thick silence engulfed the room. She wanted to run away and hide but was rooted to the spot, unable to move or speak for fear of making him look at her.

He closed the file, slowly, refusing to look at her as he spoke. "I suppose I had that coming."

She felt like agreeing with him. Yes, he had had it coming and, although she would never admit to it, there was a slight satisfaction to be had in the fact that he was hurting. "I'm not doing this to hurt you, Harry."

"Of course not," he agreed, coolly, but she heard the tinge of bitterness that laced the words all the same.

"Not everything is about you, Harry," she told him angrily, finally succumbing to the pain and the guilt of being in this situation. "You told me to move on and I'm trying to. You can't have it both ways."

He held her gaze as she glared at him and she steeled herself for another argument with him but it never came. He gave her a curt nod and then stared moodily out onto the Grid behind her. "I'll see the necessary checks get done."

"Thank you," she whispered, not trusting herself to say anything more, and turned to leave. Desperate to escape the oppressiveness of his office, she fled as fast as possible, her feet carrying her closer to freedom with every second.

"Does he make you happy?"

She stopped by the door, one hand on the handle, as she turned and looked at him over her shoulder. "He doesn't make me miserable."

---

The manila folder with its solitary sheet of paper was sitting on her desk by the end of the week. A quick glance inside revealed the 'approved' stamp in the top right hand corner. She didn't need to look into his office to know that he wasn't there, watching her. He never was anymore.

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**Please leave a review and let me know what you think x**


	5. Chapter 5

**Apologies for the rather long delay between chapters. This would have been posted a week ago had my computer not decided to break. The break between chapters won't be as long next time, I promise! **

**It's not beta'd either as I haven't had the time, I'm just trying to get it posted whilst I have a free five minutes. So, sorry for the mistakes too!**

**For Lynn, Happy belated Birthday! We all know who's to blame that it wasn't finished on time ;-)**

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_I'm coming out of my cage  
And I've been doing just fine  
Gotta gotta be down  
Because I want it all  
It started out with a kiss  
How did it end up like this  
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss  
Now I'm falling asleep  
And she's calling a cab  
While he's having a smoke  
And she's taking a drag  
Now they're going to bed  
And my stomach is sick  
And it's all in my head  
But she's touching his-chest  
Now, he takes off her dress  
Now, letting me go_

And I just can't look its killing me  
And taking control  
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea  
Swimming through sick lullabies  
Choking on your alibis  
But it's just the price I pay  
Destiny is calling me  
Open up my eager eyes  
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

_Mr Brightside – The Killers_

---

"Did you enjoy it?" Alex asked as he and Ruth weaved between tourists and pedestrians that were still queuing to get on The Eye.

"I did," she replied, quietly, following him through the thinning crowd to a quiet spot a little further down the Embankment.

"I thought we could take a little walk and then maybe go for a drink?" He looked so hopeful and eager that she didn't have the heart to refuse, despite the fact that she was frozen and would have given anything to be in a warm cafe somewhere other than here. She gave a small nod and they ambled away from the Eye together, Alex chatting away as her mind wandered further and further from him. It was stupid, she knew that, but ever since they'd set foot on the Embankment she hadn't been able to shake the feeling of guilt that had settled like a lead weight in her stomach. It was _their_ place, well, it was in her head at least, and she had thought of nothing but Harry since they'd arrived.

---

Harry strode along the Embankment purposefully trying to exorcise the demons that had taken residence in his mind ever since Ruth had left early for the day. He had known, without seeing the pitying look on Jo's face, that she was heading off on another date with _him_. That made a total of five dates, to his knowledge, and he couldn't help the constant stream of unwelcome thoughts that flooded his mind as he'd sat and pushed the paperwork around his desk. He was aware that he only had himself to blame for being in this situation but, despite that, a small part of him hated that she could move on with someone else and with such apparent ease. He'd sat and thought about the whole tangled mess until the anger morphed into hurt and he found his eyes watering and his throat constricting. Disgusted with the depths of his own self pity he'd grabbed his coat and stormed out of the office, half hoping that some fresh air and a change of scenery might make him feel a bit better. It hadn't so far and somewhere along the line he'd become aware that he was approaching the bench that they had sat on together on so many occasions. He'd never been overly sentimental and scoffed at himself for mentally referring to it as _their_ bench; so he was rather grateful when a young loved-up couple barged past him and snapped him out of his reverie. He watched the retreating couple as they walked arm in arm along the river bank, envying their freedom to be together. He scanned the surrounding area and saw more couples, some holding hands, some walking or talking and instantly hated them for their happiness. The depths of his bitterness shocked him and, severely pissed off with himself, and the rest of the world, he turned to leave only to stop in his tracks as he saw a familiar brunette and her date strolling towards him. The Spook in him took over and he quickly melted into the shadows, able to see, but not hear them as they made their approach.

---

"- so then I thought we could go skinny dipping in the Thames."

"Hmm, ok," she replied automatically and it was only when he stopped walking and waited for her to look at him that she realised she had no idea what he had been talking about for the last few minutes. He looked slightly hurt and she felt bad that she hadn't been paying him the attention he deserved. "Sorry," she said as she gave him a sheepish smile, "I was miles away."

"I noticed."

She swept the hair from her eyes and tucked it behind her ear nervously. "Look, I'm sorry I'm so distracted, maybe we could go somewhere else?"

"Ok. Pub?"

"Lovely." She gave him a cheeky smile and added, "It's much too cold to go skinny dipping anyway."

He laughed and, on impulse, caught hold of her hand and pulled her in close to him. "You always manage to surprise me," he murmured, softly, as he reached up and tenderly caressed her face. She was completely lost for words and could only stand and watch helplessly as he lowered his head to hers and kissed her softly. There was a brief moment where she allowed herself to respond to his advances but, inevitably, images of Harry flooded her mind and she was all too aware that she was kissing the wrong man.

---

Harry watched in horror as they kissed. He felt hot and cold all at once and didn't know whether to be sick or to march across to where they were stood and pull them apart. In the end all he could do was lurk in the shadows and watch their clinch in morbid fascination for a few moments more before turning and walking away. He concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, desperate to get as far away from them both as he possibly could before he did something stupid.

---

"Alex," she whispered, her palm resting against his chest as she pulled away from him.

"I shouldn't have done that, should I?"

She looked at him and shook her head slightly. "It's not you, it's me." He snorted, briefly. "I know that's a cliché but it really isn't your fault that-"

"You're still in love with someone else," he finished for her.

She nodded slowly. "Yes."

"Will anyone ever be good enough to take his place, Ruth?" He asked, trying not to sound as bitter as he felt.

"I doubt it," she replied, quietly, and took a step back from him.

He nodded, briefly, and she wondered if he had known all along that her heart would always belong to another man. "I hope he comes to his sense soon then." She mustered a small smile, grateful to him for not making this conversation any more difficult than it had to be. "Can I see you home?"

"I'd like that."

---

Harry's mind was in turmoil as he kept walking. He had no idea where he was heading and didn't care. His strides were short and angry and there was a fury about him that would have instantly told people to stay out of his way. He tried everything he could possibly think of to push the image of Ruth and Alex kissing out of his head but it was no use. It was stuck there, on a repeated loop, torturing and tormenting him with every step he took. The more he tried not to think about them together the more images of them touching, holding hands and kissing seeped in. He cursed his own fervid imagination for taking the mental pictures further and further until his vision became cloudy and he realised he was crying. Breathless and cursing aloud he slumped onto the nearest bench, cold, alone and heartbroken.

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**Please review. More soon...**


	6. Chapter 6

**For my snowday buddy :)**

**Thanks for the beta pea!**

* * *

_All around me are familiar faces  
Worn out places, worn out faces  
Bright and early for their daily races  
Going nowhere, going nowhere  
Their tears are filling up their glasses  
No expression, no expression  
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow  
No tomorrow, no tomorrow  
And I find it kind of funny  
I find it kind of sad  
The dreams in which I'm dying  
Are the best I've ever had  
I find it hard to tell you  
I find it hard to take  
When people run in circles  
It's a very, very  
Mad World  
Mad world_

_Mad World – Gary Jules_

_---  
_

Harry couldn't be certain how long he'd been sat there but, considering there were now very few people milling about and he felt chilled to the bone, he surmised he'd been there a while. For the first time in weeks, months even, he'd sat and taken stock of the situation and asked himself what was more important, his ability to do his job or Ruth? The answer had fallen off his tongue so quickly and easily that he had then spent the rest of the time wondering how he could have been so stupid. There was only one thing for him to do now; beg for her forgiveness and hope that he hadn't pushed her away completely. Eagerly, he stood and walked to the roadside, flagging down the first cab that he could find and telling the driver to get to her address as quickly as he could. There was no time to waste now that his decision had been made.

---

Ruth muttered expletives under her breath as she sat on the floor and scrubbed the inside of her fridge. The excessive and vigorous cleaning had started almost the second she had walked into the kitchen. She had needed something, anything, to concentrate her energy on as her fury and self-loathing threatened to overwhelm her. She hated that she was still pining for Harry. Moving on had achieved nothing. Dating someone else had only caused more heartache, especially for Alex, and she was so angry with herself for failing, again, on the romance front. Her anger and frustration with it all swirled through her veins and she renewed her efforts on cleaning only to curse loudly as the plastic shelf she was wiping cracked, and then came off in her hand, due to the force she was now scrubbing it with.

"Shit, Ruth, you can't even clean the fridge without causing a problem," she grumbled to herself as she threw the cloth into the nearby bowl of warm water and took a closer look at the damage. She was about to try and manipulate it back into place when the doorbell rang.

---

"Hi," he said, softly, as she pulled the door back to find him stood on her doorstep.

"Hello." She watched him, warily, and he did his best not to shuffle under her intense scrutiny. The slightly harsh edge to her voice did little to make him feel welcome and he was reminded just how much was at stake.

He tilted his head to one side and attempted a small smile. "Can I come in?"

She paused for a moment and took a deep breath before nodding silently and stepping aside to let him in. He hovered in the hall, unsure if he should enter any further without her, and was thrown a little when she shut the front door and then turned and leant against it, arms folded, watching and waiting for him to do something.

"I came to tell you that I'm sorry," he stated, quietly, and was relieved to see that her eyes finally met his full on. At least he knew he had her attention. He could see the rapid rise and fall of her chest and the knowledge that she wasn't as calm or as unaffected by his presence as she was pretending to be gave him hope.

"Saying you're sorry doesn't just magically fix things, Harry."

"I know it doesn't but it's a good start. Isn't it?"

She sighed heavily. "I suppose so."

"I want to make things right between us," he said, his eyes never leaving hers, as he took a step forward, closing the gap between them. "I want to take the hurt and the pain away, for both of us." He carried on walking until he was stood right in front of her, so close that her folded arms almost touched his chest when she breathed. "I want to tell you I love you, Ruth."

"Don't," she commanded, angrily, "you can't just show up and say that to me as if that's all I need to hear, Harry. It doesn't work like that."

"You told me not to say that to you unless I was prepared to do something about it. I want to do something about it!"

"And I'm supposed to what? Jump straight into your arms and forget the last few months have happened?" she demanded, the hurt and frustration of the past weeks rushing to the surface despite the fact that he was here telling her what she had wanted to hear since the first fight in his office.

"I didn't say that-"

"You haven't said a lot!" she shouted, anger finally getting the better of her, as she tried to push past him. His reflexes were quick and it had barely registered that he'd grabbed her until her back was against the door and his face was looming close to hers.

"What do you want me to say?" he whispered, angrily, "That I made a mistake? That I'm lonely and miserable without you? Fine. I did and I am!"

"Good!" she shot back, anger sparking in her eyes.

"You're not the only one that's been hurt from this, Ruth."

"You could have fooled me," she said, levelly, and it was enough of a blow to make him release his hold on her shoulders and inch back from her slightly.

"I'm not the one who started seeing someone else. At least I spared you that," he said, coldly. "How do you imagine that made me feel? Seeing you with another man? I wasn't the one taking romantic walks and kissing on the Embankment, Ruth, that was you."

He hadn't expected the slap. Oddly, the sudden violent outburst from her calmed him slightly. "How dare you spy on me?"

"Don't be naive, Ruth," he replied, calmly.

"Fuck you, Harry." This time he saw her move and managed to capture her wrist in his hand before she could strike him again.

"I went for a walk and you were there, that's all." He pinned her arm above her head as he leant his face in closer to hers. "I saw him kissing you and I wanted it to be me," he whispered, fiercely, as he looked into her eyes, willing her to understand. He saw a flicker of triumph in her eyes and pressed his advantage home by leaning in and kissing her soundly. His lips moved against hers repeatedly, coaxing a response from her, and he didn't hesitate to deepen the kiss when her mouth moved against his. One minute she was a passive participant and the next she was using her free hand to pull him closer, kissing him back with a bruising passion as her fingers weaved through his short hair. Their tongues thrust and parried and their mouths collided over and over as they both fought for control, the pain and frustration of the past few months heightening their passion until they were wrenched apart by a sheer need for oxygen. Chest heaved against chest as their gazes locked and stared at one another.

"I wanted it to be you, too," she admitted, eventually, so quietly that he might have missed it had he not been pressed so close to her.

"I'm so sorry, Ruth-"

"Kiss me again," she commanded, cutting him off mid apology, as she wriggled her arm free and wrapped it around him, pulling his body flush with hers. "Please, Harry."

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**More soon. Please review. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Warning: This chapter has adult content and is M rated. If that offends you or you're underage then please don't read it.**

**It follows straight on from the last chapter...**

**Thanks to TG for the beta.**

* * *

_Just give me a chance to hold on  
Give me a chance to hold on  
Give me a chance to hold on  
Just give me something to hold onto_

It's so clear now that you are all that I have  
I have no fear cos you are all that I have  
It's so clear now that you are all that I have  
I have no fear cos you are all that I have.

_Snowpatrol – You're All I Have.  
_

"Ruth-" he sighed, pressing his forehead against hers and resting it there. "It's not that simple, is it?"

"I'm making it that simple," she told him, boldly, locking her eyes with his. Her stormy, grey eyes held all her emotions and he read the fear, the need and the passion in them easily. She needed this, needed him, all of him, and he would do anything she wanted if it meant he could take even an ounce of the pain and suffering of the last few months away. "Har-"

Her sentence was truncated by the feel of his mouth pressing against hers, urgently. She welcomed it and kissed him back hungrily, their lips smacking together as mouths and tongues and teeth collided in an explosion of passion. Her hands were busy holding him to her, pressing him against her as tight as she could manage, until he took the hint and moved them backwards until she was pinned against the hard wood of the door. She was too busy twisting her fingers into his hair and sucking on his bottom lip to notice that her head bumped against the stained glass partition as they landed against the door with a thud. His hands moved from her hips, sweeping upwards, gently, until the hem of her top was between his fingers and he was able to tug it up over her curvaceous body and off completely. Their mouths met again as the coloured top fell to the floor and Ruth's hands fumbled between them, tugging his shirt out of his trousers and trying to unfasten the buttons.

She growled in frustration unable to coordinate her head and her hands enough to get the job done. Harry tore his mouth from hers, quickly opened the top few buttons, tugged the shirt over his head, and threw it on the floor. "Better?" he asked, breathing hard.

She reached out and placed her palm in the centre of his bare chest, resting it there a few seconds before trailing her fingers down his torso and onto his belt. "Much," she answered, calmly, and smiled coyly as her index finger tucked inside his belt and pulled him back against her. She could feel how aroused he was as their bodies pressed close and it excited her to know that she was the cause of it. She moved her hand slightly lower and cupped him through his trousers, enjoying the moan of approval he let out as her hand caressed him. His head dropped to her shoulder and he busied himself with sliding her bra strap off and running his tongue over her shoulder as she heightened his arousal.

He moved suddenly, trapping her hand between them and almost throwing her back against the door, as he lifted her and pushed against her forcefully. She automatically clung on to his shoulders, wrapping her legs around his waist, and threw her head back as she felt his hand sliding up under her skirt and onto her thigh. His lips pressed against her delicate skin as he placed soft, open mouthed kisses along the bare expanse of her neck at the same time as his fingers tickled and teased the alluring flesh of her inner thigh. His hand inched higher and her breath hitched as she bit down on her lip in anticipation of what was to come. Ruth groaned loudly and her fingers reflexively dug into his shoulders as he touched her through the damp material of her underwear.

"Harry," she panted and reached down to unfasten the buckle of his belt. Her hand brushed against him, intentionally, and she was rewarded by him pressing a finger into her welcoming warmth. He touched her skilfully, pushing her closer to the edge with every movement of his finger, and watched in wonder as her eyes slid shut and her body tensed. Her eyes popped open as he removed his finger and shuffled about awkwardly as he tried to hold her and undo his trousers at the same time. She realised what he was doing and braced herself against the door, hitching her skirt up as far as she could, as his trousers and underwear pooled around his ankles. He moved her underwear out of the way, positioned himself against her, and took her mouth in an intense kiss at the same time as he thrust up into her. Their coupling was hard and fast and electrifying. A few strokes was all it took before she was crying out, her nails digging into his tender flesh, as she trembled and pulsed around him. He followed her soon after, his own orgasm ripping through him as he spilled inside her. His head dropped back to her shoulder as they clung together in the aftermath and it wasn't until she felt the first drops of his tears against her skin that she realised he was crying.

"Harry?" she whispered, worry and doubt seeping into her voice.

His lips brushed against where her shoulder and neck joined. "I'm sorry," he murmured between kisses, "I'm so sorry."

She placed her hands on either side of his head and forced him to look at her. "Sorry for what, Harry?"

"Sorry for hurting you," he said, solemnly, "sorry for being weak and putting my needs above your safety, sorry for not knowing how to make it up to you-"

She leant in and kissed him softly. "You made a good start," she said, hoping to lighten the mood slightly.

He reached up and cupped her cheek. "I'm sorry it happened like this. I should have more control than that."

"Self-control can be overrated Harry." She unhooked her legs and let him lower her to the floor. "I'm not sorry it happened and, if you meant everything you said earlier, you have a lifetime to make it up to me in."

"You know I meant it," he said, seriously.

She smiled. "You can stay then."

---

**Some months later.**

"I thought I'd find you here."

"What do you want, Oliver?" Harry asked, coldly, as he turned to face the other Spook.

"Now, now, Harry. There's no need to be like that. I came to offer an olive branch; we can't have people thinking we're not on the same side."

"Heaven forbid," mocked Harry.

"We shouldn't let a silly little thing-"

"Like kidnap and torture, you mean?"

"Harry," Mace said, warningly.

Harry carried on regardless. "Not to mention framing Ruth Evershed for murder. That's low, even for you, Oliver."

"Ah yes, Ruth Evershed...soon to be Mrs Pearce, so I hear."

Harry smiled for the first time since the other man had arrived. "That's right," he said, matter-of- factly, then lowered his voice, menacingly, "and if you come at me again through Ruth I won't spare you, Oliver."

"Temper temper, Harry. I wouldn't want you to be making any rash decisions."

"She's off limits from now on, do you understand?"

"We're fighting for the same thing, Harry; A terrorist free environment. You'd really jeopardise the whole country, everything you fight for, for a woman?"

Harry fixed Mace with a look of utter contempt and turned to walk away. "She is what I fight for, Oliver," he said, over his shoulder, as he walked away.

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**Thank you for reading.**


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